What's love got to do with it?
Well, everything I think.
For some people "Love" begins clearly and right away. For other people, "Love" is a matter of confusion, embarrassment, shame, and anxiety.
Our society focuses on love from the start with fairy tales of the Princess needing a Prince who then has to fight and perform heroics to finally earn the Princess and take her away to live happily ever after. My experience of love had two very distinct categories that I did not understand at the time, nor do I claim to fully comprehend now. I remember my first experience of "love" involving my friend and next door neighbor Allyson. I thought she was perfect and I just always wanted to be with her. I thought she was smart, beautiful, and just "everything". I had a desire to both impress her and take care of her, especially later on when she was dying of leukemia.
I did not imagine myself kissing Allyson, perhaps because there were no roll models of women kissing women. I did know, however, that I wanted to be as close to her as possible; emotionally, physically, and Spiritually. She was the center of my world and being with her was what felt the happiest and most foundational to me. I definately felt as if I was following her around, probably what we might call lovestruck. She could color in the lines - I could not. Her greens eyes sparkled - mine were flat brown. Her fair skin and profound dark freckles along with a petite body and her black hair made her a Princess, like Snow White - my tall skinny body and rustic Mediterranean colors with my dirty blonde hair made me into the Prince and I longed to be most charming for her.
One day we were on the metal swing set in the yard. We were on the swing seats and I had an idea of how I could impress her. "I bet I can get under this swing as it is swinging."
That made me want to do it all the more. She wanted to see me do it, however she was worried about me. I think I could feel her heart racing.
I hopped off the seat swing and started pushing her on it. I stood back and waited, watching the swing and focusing on its rhythm. The timing seemed perfect and I dove to the ground underneath it, feeling it skim over my back as I crawled as flat as possible to the other side.
"Aileen! That was terrific!! I can't believe you did that!" Her respect and excitement brought pride and strength to me. I was standing tall, brushing my clothes off. I could see how she looked at me. I loved it and I wanted more. I told her that I would do it again. She sat back in the swing and smiled. I pushed her again, stood back, and made my dive. This time my back was hunched up just a little too far and the metal swing caught the skin on my lower back, tearing a chunk of flesh off of my gallant body. I made it to the other side but needed to excuse myself into the house. To this day I love that scar on my back. It reminds me of what true first Prince Charming love feels like.
Allyson died the summer that we were going into sixth grade. I am sure that her death brought some interesting twists and blocks to my experience of "Love".
While this experience of Love was happening, there were cute boys in my life that sent exciting twinges of energy through my body. With certain boys I noticed how they looked. There was a strong physical connection. I found myself in trouble in second grade when I chased two boys in particular on the playground. I just thought they were so cute and I chased them, knocked them to the ground, and kissed them. This did not go over well even in 1969! I was not self conscious around boys. I had a direct hit of what I felt physically and I just went for it. I always have. I have been the first kisser, making the first move with the male species. I can still feel my first really strong lust experience with a boy. Ahhhh..it was at dusk in my neighborhood during a game of kick the can. The neighborhood boy that I had been crushing on for years was hiding right next to me, sunk down low together behind a stone wall, close to each other, breathing quietly, each with a hand practically touching. It was excruciating! I just wanted to do...well...do something! The energy tension in that moment, sweating and hiding behind the stone wall in the field with the boy I had days of desiring contact with...so close...so alone with him...
I was raised Catholic, and also because I am a modest person, I did not act on the strong sexual feelings I had (and perhaps because I got in trouble at Page School during my formative years for doing so!!!).
So what is Love? Lust? Attraction? Relationships? WHO should YOU be with?
I believe that all relationships are of great value. Each relationship we are in we learn about ourselves. We learn what we wanted and do not want anymore. We learn what feeds us and what depletes us. We learn about being ourselves as well as being what our partner wants. Sometimes we leave these relationships and sometimes we stay. Sometimes we come back around full circle to a relationship, and sometimes we never see that lover again.
There are moments when we love someone so deeply, so confidently, so "for sure", and yet we cannot be with her or him. Or perhaps we feel that truth and we are with her/him only to discover within weeks or a few short years that it turns into anger and frustration. What gives, folks?!
Having our hearts "broken" and "breaking" a few ourselves. Daring to love once, or twice, or over and over again.
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| Me and Dave from college, 1982. We were so deeply connected however we never could name it and it did not fit into the traditional college relationship."It" was too special and unique to make into a story so it just floated along. |
What is this LOVE thing? What does it have to do with it? How do YOU know what love is for you? Have you fully reflected on love? If you could choose anyone to be with, who would it be? What would it feel like? How do you react to the person you "love"? Do they belong to you? Are there strings attached? Commitment rules? Expectations? Is it Love? Or Lust? Or People Pleasing? Or socially the right person to be with?
Take some time today to really ask yourself, "What's Love?" and reflect with an open heart and mind on your journey of Love. What does Love feel like to you in your Body? Your Spirit? Your Soul? Your Heart? Your Life? And welcome it in, over the rocky hills of pain, into the depths of past despairs, and find it again. Find it in someone new or find it in the relationship you currently have.
What's Love and what does it have to do with it? Everything, my friends...Love has to do with everything. So allow it big, beautiful, and healthy, into your life!
